Just a little catch up

It has been a rough month. The real world is rough, the economy is still in bad shape, and all of the 2010 graduates are faced with no jobs. I was extremely lucky and received three job offers, three weeks after returning from abroad! I must admit for a while there I thought I was going to be left in the dust. 

Each one was a great opportunity and I could not make up my mind, so I made a list of pros and cons for all three. I knew all three no matter which one I decided on were going to show me something different. I had to keep my goals present and this is how I made the decision. At the end of the day I knew that I wanted a job that would help me get to my ultimate goal of graduate school. I needed a job to develop me, not one that I already knew how to do. So I am moving back to San Diego and going back to school... not for play though, this time only work.  :(

I am going to enter into the real working world on Monday... I'm nervous, excited, and yes scared, but there is nothing I can do now.

But before I take my second to last step into the real world I am going to enjoy my last 3 days of unemployment and college graduate bliss.

Today is my bff's birthday. We've been friends since the 5th grade and know everything about each other. She is the most thoughtful, energetic, adventure driven person I know.

{2 birthdays ago}

 Another friend of ours is throwing her a birthday party tonight. And just like last year this will be the last time I see everyone in the summer before I am off again to another part of the state.

bookmark this

image via here

"Be as a bird, perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings, sings, knowing she has wings.
- Victor Hugo

{For graduation I was given a card with this quote, and this is the card that stood out the most. At that moment I didn't quite understand the choice of greeting. [I just knew I really liked it]. I expected a "Congrats, you made it!" type of greeting. Almost 3 months after graduation I understand the choice. Even though it may not seem like it at the moment, I am free. I am free to do whatever I put my mind to. I don't have anyone to respond to, my mother will always be there to support what ever choice I make. And that is all I really need. [Well and a couple thousand dollars, but that's not what matters now]. I am using it as a bookmark, just to remind myself to sing. Even when it seems the branch has broken, there is always another branch I can fly to.}

Because it was relevant 4 years ago and now.

{Lately I have had a lot of time to think about life in general. All of the roads I can take; the one that will lead me to settle for nothing, one that may put me in a financial hole for a while [but will let me party till I choose to stop and live with some of the best friends I have], and two that will let me explore a different part of the world while I help others. Another that will put me behind a desk for a couple of years ["assisting" and that ideally will help me get into grad school. Things never work out that way, which is why I'm skeptical about this one]. Or I can simply go back to school. [I am scared I won't do well, since I am burnt out]. The one I chose to take will be determined by the type of job offer I receive. Needless to say I am in The Middle and everything will be just fine.}

I needed this

Broken skies, heartaches that flowers won’t mend
Say goodbye knowing that this is the end
Tender dreams, shadows fall
Love too sweet, to recall
Dry your eyes, face the dawn
Life will go on

All day long thought that we still had a chance
Letting go, this is the end of romance
Broken hearts find your way
Make it through just this day
Face the world on your own
Life will go on, life will go on

There’ll be blue skies, every true love
Someday I’ll hold you again
They’ll be blue skies in a better world, darlin’

Tender dreams, shadows fall
Love too sweet, to recall
Dry your eyes, face the dawn
Life will go on, life will go on
Broken heart find your way
Make it through just this day
Face the world on your own
Life will go on

Chris Issak - Life will go on.

{I needed this on that crisp Sunday morning when I left you at the door. I needed this half way through the flight back home. And you will never know.}

3 a.m.

It was 3 am. Tight chest and confusion.
It happened again and nothing had happened, except a dream.
How can it be that in 4 weeks I gave everything and for the first time genuinely opened up with out hesitation. {This being a big step for me}

I need my peace of mind back, I need my heart back!

Please.

You can't change who you are, and you can't go back to what you were before life hit you.

"By the time we're mature enough to have a relationship, it's because we're all a little wrong. We've done some livin', got out quirks ans issues, and know what they are. That's essential for a real connection. If you haven't faced up to your crap, you don't know yourself. If you don't know yourself, you don't know what works with you. It's when you've figured out how you're wrong that you can best find a mate who complements that."
Leaving Unknown by Kerry Reichs


It's not only about being ok with being alone. It's about learning about who you are and finding what you want that aids the search.

5.2 weeks, 44 days, one month one week and a couple of days.

Today was a day filled with lots of work and stress, but it was also the day of Senior Meeting!

I graduate in 44 days!

It is an exciting time! I have worked my butt off for this day and I can't wait to live it!
I am going to miss my wonderful ladies and the amazing friendships I have created with them.
But I am also ready to finish this chapter in my life. I am ready to start writing a new one, whatever that may be.

Life is full of uncertainty at the moment.
I am sure that everything will work out for the best.
Kelsey said it best this afternoon in the Creative Zone,
"It is God's will"

It will be his will, I have faith, and it will be what its supposed to be for me.

And this is how I lost my degree...

Math: the death of me.
Enough said.

Losing my Religion

I went to mass today, best lunch hour in a long time.

I needed to feel safe in the middle of my uncertainty. Only God can provide that unconditional safety.

But I got more than I expected, of course God's plan at work.

As I sat and waited for mass to begin I started observing everyone.

Mass began and I had to wait on the actions of others to do what I was supposed to do. I pretended to murmur the words of prayers and responses.
As it continued I felt more and more like an outcast, not in a horrible, everyone is looking type of way. Just in a "I don't know what I am supposed to do" kind of way.

I found myself lost and feeling like I don't have a religion.

I will give you a little background on me:
I am a Mexican-American girl, raised in a Hispanic household. My parents like many Mexican young couples looking for a better life for themselves and their children immigrated at the age of 21 (I'm pretty sure). At first glance people generally assume I was raised in a traditional Catholic family.

Little do these individuals know that it actually was the opposite. My mother has Mexican values, but most of her values are not traditional nor Catholic. As a kid I don't remember going to mass every Sunday or celebrating Easter. We never even observed Lent! To this day I still eat meat on Fridays if given to me. And lets face it free food is something no smart college student will refuse.

As a kid I was raised to accept everyone no matter what religion they belonged to, what their race was, and who they loved. A very love 'thy neighbor' up bringing.

Even though I wasn't raised in a traditional Mexican household my values reflect many of those values. Where did I get them? Who knows.

I am pretty traditional, I have some conservative views. I believe that individuals should work for what they want. I am not saying that we all have the same opportunities, because I know from experience that we don't. I am all for everyone's individual choice, but do not believe in abortions.

Back to religion...

I have always had a religious void in me. I remember as a kid going to catechism classes on Sundays because my mom thought it was the right thing to do. But as an 8 year old, I was not interested.
That experience actually drove me away from religion. I have always had a curious mind and always want to know why. And a simple "because that is just the way it is" does not cut it. Not even at 8 years old. So you can see how my questioning of one of the largest religions in the world was not welcomed by the catechist.

I even went through a period of non-belief. From the 8th grade till my senior year in high school to be exact. I always knew there was a greater being, but I never referred to it as God.

I've always wanted to have that religion attachment, and honestly resent the fact that I was never forced to go to church or that my mom did not but an emphasis on religion.

As a sophomore in college I took it upon myself to begin a relationship with God. I attended services in a Catholic church and a Christian church. I felt more comfortable in the Christian church, and my relationship with God was off to a good start.

Then I moved back to SD and couldn't devote the same time as I had previously done. That put everything on hold. Once in a while I still went back to it, like today.

But the only thing I'm left with is a sense of wanting to belong, I have a relationship with God.

But I want more...

And after today, I kind of feel like I need to focus on that. I knew this summer one of my main focuses was going to be on developing my relationship with God. Now there's a second part to that goal.

Different kind of love

Blind first love. Yes that usually happens when you are young.
But what if it happens when you are older?
After you thought you had already experienced your first love...

Not too long ago, I questioned my feelings. No, I wasn't confused about what I felt for him.
I just didn't understand why the love I had with Dominic was different from the love I have for Loren.

My Habibti helped me out, she always knows these things about love.
It's not that I didn't have true love with both men. It's that the love I shared with each of them is different.

"The love you had with Dominic is different from the love you have with Loren. But both are still love, a different love with the same intensity. I would be worried if they were not, then we would have a problem." -Habibti

She is right & I'm going to leave it at that.

10 things I learned this weekend.

10 things I learned this weekend...

1. Sleeping in and staying up till 3am still counts as a full day
2. An Arnold Palmer is my favorite drink of spring/summer
3. Waking up to text messages from you, no longer give me butterflies :0(
4. Moving furniture around helps you get back in the groove of things
5. The series Life by Discovery channel was not what I thought it was going to be, but still great
6. I don't like not talking to my mommy everyday
7. I can actually make someones day
8. Walking around in the sun makes me sleeeeeepy!
9. Sometimes you don't need company to enjoy a Friday night movie, but oh how it would be better :0)
10. Weekends are way too short
    

TGIF

Today is Friday, we made it another week!

San Diego was good to us once again, 68 degrees and a cool breeze!

I received a simple, yet uplifting email from a long time friend who I had not heard from in a while.

I changed my hours at work because I realized I am a student first. I can already feel my anxiety level drop!



Earth Day is April 22, 2010 and I already started a count down! (I took this picture at last years earth day) The festivities held at Balboa Park include free give aways and food samples! My first stop is the food section, where you can find different food from all over our lovely earth. As soon as you start walking towards this section your sense of smell is shaken up, in a good way of course. I always have trouble deciding what to eat, it all smells so delicious!
My favorite part of it all? The excitement found in every soul at the park! Everyone is so nice and excited to celebrate with others who feel as passionate about our earth as they do. It's a contagious feeling, and I can't help but catch the bug!

BUT tomorrow is the first official day of Spring and I am determined to go to the Farmer's Market in Little Italy. Even if its just to buy a mango pop sickle sweetened with agave. It's organic ;0)

My weekend is full of not so fun stuff, I have a lot of school work to do :0(
This weather is going to make it twice as hard to get anything done.

Have an amazing first day of Spring!

I feel it

"But there is an amazing that exists without sex, neglect, or compromise.
Because when we find it, we won't just see it as sex, it will be making love. It wont be neglect it will be an "ok he is right, this isn't the right moment" or "why did I even do that?", and most of all we won't see it as compromise, we will see it as I am doing this because I truly love you and know you would never ask me to do something that wasn't in my best interest. "


{this was my response to this declaration of hope, and I truly believe it}

{Our only way out of heartbreak is through hope, sometimes it's hard to find it and when we do we can't let go}

10 things I learned this weekend.

got this idea from Lacey {at} http://apartment513.blogspot.com/
( i look forward to monday postings because of this)

1. I have two amazing best friends, one keeps me grounded the other one allows me to dream the day away.
   
2. My mommy truly is the best woman I have ever met. I admire her more than she will ever know.
3. I love the idea of love, falling in love, and being in love (someday it will come).
   
4. My little brother is turning into a man, scary.
   
5. I am honestly afraid of not having a life once I move back home.
6. I love my hometown, yes it's in the I.E. but its home.
7. A hike can do wonders to your spirit! Sitting at the top of the mountain is rejuvenating.
8. I can never have enough gummy bears.
9. I love my new living situation.
10. Getting lost on your way home is not always a bad thing.
    

Because Mondays aren't as bad as they seem

My typical Monday starts with me grunting as I hit
snooze, 5 times.
Then the manic Monday begins.
Today was no different.Till about 10am.
I found myself in the office and my 5 page paper no where to be found.
I ran out of the house without it.
"GREAT! Now I won't be able to come back to work after class, I need that paper."
At that moment of stress I realized this meant going home, eating a hot meal (something unusual for me). Oh and changing out of professional work clothes to wear something comfy!
Jeans, flats, side bow blouse, and a cardigan.
And just the thought of not having to walk up and down the campus hills in heels may I add, made my manic Monday a good one.