Losing my Religion

I went to mass today, best lunch hour in a long time.

I needed to feel safe in the middle of my uncertainty. Only God can provide that unconditional safety.

But I got more than I expected, of course God's plan at work.

As I sat and waited for mass to begin I started observing everyone.

Mass began and I had to wait on the actions of others to do what I was supposed to do. I pretended to murmur the words of prayers and responses.
As it continued I felt more and more like an outcast, not in a horrible, everyone is looking type of way. Just in a "I don't know what I am supposed to do" kind of way.

I found myself lost and feeling like I don't have a religion.

I will give you a little background on me:
I am a Mexican-American girl, raised in a Hispanic household. My parents like many Mexican young couples looking for a better life for themselves and their children immigrated at the age of 21 (I'm pretty sure). At first glance people generally assume I was raised in a traditional Catholic family.

Little do these individuals know that it actually was the opposite. My mother has Mexican values, but most of her values are not traditional nor Catholic. As a kid I don't remember going to mass every Sunday or celebrating Easter. We never even observed Lent! To this day I still eat meat on Fridays if given to me. And lets face it free food is something no smart college student will refuse.

As a kid I was raised to accept everyone no matter what religion they belonged to, what their race was, and who they loved. A very love 'thy neighbor' up bringing.

Even though I wasn't raised in a traditional Mexican household my values reflect many of those values. Where did I get them? Who knows.

I am pretty traditional, I have some conservative views. I believe that individuals should work for what they want. I am not saying that we all have the same opportunities, because I know from experience that we don't. I am all for everyone's individual choice, but do not believe in abortions.

Back to religion...

I have always had a religious void in me. I remember as a kid going to catechism classes on Sundays because my mom thought it was the right thing to do. But as an 8 year old, I was not interested.
That experience actually drove me away from religion. I have always had a curious mind and always want to know why. And a simple "because that is just the way it is" does not cut it. Not even at 8 years old. So you can see how my questioning of one of the largest religions in the world was not welcomed by the catechist.

I even went through a period of non-belief. From the 8th grade till my senior year in high school to be exact. I always knew there was a greater being, but I never referred to it as God.

I've always wanted to have that religion attachment, and honestly resent the fact that I was never forced to go to church or that my mom did not but an emphasis on religion.

As a sophomore in college I took it upon myself to begin a relationship with God. I attended services in a Catholic church and a Christian church. I felt more comfortable in the Christian church, and my relationship with God was off to a good start.

Then I moved back to SD and couldn't devote the same time as I had previously done. That put everything on hold. Once in a while I still went back to it, like today.

But the only thing I'm left with is a sense of wanting to belong, I have a relationship with God.

But I want more...

And after today, I kind of feel like I need to focus on that. I knew this summer one of my main focuses was going to be on developing my relationship with God. Now there's a second part to that goal.